The Child Predator’s Playbook: What Muslim Parents Must Know

The first thing to know about child sexual predators is that they are not an obvious and easy to recognize figure standing in front of a playground in a trench coat. Like predatory animals, a child predator disguises himself, sets up traps, and then attacks. Allah has entrusted parents to protect and raise their children. Knowing how predators target, lure, and attack is essential for parents to fulfill this trust.

Selecting a target

Generally, a predator will not abuse just any child. He is afraid of being caught. He finds a child who is less likely to tell on him. In her book Why They Did it: Stories of Eight Convicted Child Molesters, Shirley O’Brien interviews child predators and writes: “Throughout the interviews, I asked each convicted child molester this question: ‘What do you look for in a child when considering a molesting relationship?’”

One predator explains how he would intuit a kid has been molested before, and would be safe for him to molest again, saying “(I look for) a quiet, hunted, hurt look. Have you ever seen somebody, and you’re shooting at them or something, they get kind of a hunted, wild-eyed look. Well, kids look like that, only it’s inside, it’s kind of like stuck hurt. Those kinds of kids, generally, also, are really dependent on other people and that makes them prime target for an adult that’s going to be friends with them, take them places, and do things with them.”

A predator will either be opportunistic in his abuse or groom to carry out his abuse.

O’Brien writes that “Some of the men said they were concerned with ‘the opportunity of the moment,’ or convenience. If the child was available and they wanted the child, they seized the moment. Others described their modus operandi like this: “I watch for that special look in the eyes—sort of like a hunted deer, all alone in the woods, scared, knowing that you are going to kill it.’”

Opportunity

An opportunistic predator will target a child who is easily accessible and take advantage of the situation. The implicit trust associated with positions like teacher, coach, or foster parent provides predators direct access to children without raising suspicion. Often, a child’s sexual abuser is a close relative or family friend, with the relationship itself acting as a cover. The predator can rely on the parents not believing that something so vile could happen in such a mundane scenario.

Grooming

Grooming is a process that sets the stage for abuse. The predator seeks to gain the parents’ trust in order to gain access to the child and slowly desensitizes the child to abuse so that it becomes as acceptable as possible to the child, and leaves him unable to draw a clear line between what is normal and what is abuse.

1. Grooming the parents

Parents are groomed by having their trust earned, often with the promise of a benefit. This can be done in many ways. For example, the predator might be there to help the family in times of need or take the child under his wing. A single mother with a son may be particularly concerned about her child lacking a positive male role model, so when a man takes on this role, it relieves her. It seems as though her dreams are coming true, and her greatest worry is eased. He may take the child to baseball games, or outdoors, and give the child what he was otherwise missing. A teacher might claim that a student is gifted and deserves special attention, or that a student is struggling and would benefit from one on one time. This does not come off creepy when the male doing so is trusted, and that is why earning trust precedes spending time together.

2. Grooming the child

When the predator is approved by the parents to spend time with the child, the child becomes more receptive to learning and adopting the predator’s norms. After earning the child’s trust, the predator will introduce inappropriate touch as appropriate. Conversations may be used to change standards of appropriateness, such as an adult talking about private parts under the guise of a joke. He may show sexual content under the guise of a joke, or expose himself and act is it normal or funny- all with the intention to confuse the child about appropriate interaction and to desensitize him to it. Then sexual activity can be slowly introduced and discussed as a fun activity and a way of showing love. When this activity is presented as a shared secret, the child feels morally obliged to not tell on him.

A predator may give gifts to the child, showering him with love and attention. He will test the child’s ability to keep secrets by sharing silly facts about himself, such as confiding, ‘I like to sleep with my shoes on.’

3. Grooming the community

A predator needs to conceal his malice. He needs to have a good reputation and have others think well of him so he is trusted with children and never suspected of doing anything heinous. Humans think they can tell when someone is the type to abuse children, and that it would be obvious to them. A predator exploits this confidence people have in themselves to judge character, and easily takes on the appearance of someone people would not expect to abuse kids.

For example, we often hold a naïve view that if someone has an authentic ijaza he is less likely to abuse. Or if he has trained under a shaykh or spent time with a pious person he won’t be abusive. This baseless belief is exactly why ijazas, suhba, and associations with trusted figures make for such good covers. Being qualified in tajweed will reduce the likelihood of the teacher teaching tajweed incorrectly. It will not reduce the likelihood of him abusing a child at all. When we drop these false beliefs, we can work towards actual solutions.

Child predators can be charming and good at their careers or volunteer efforts. There are teachers who have won teacher of the year who are later convicted of pedophilia. There are reputable religious leaders who use their trusted positions to access and abuse children. There are reputable coaches who use their coaching position to molest the children they coach. A prominent example of this is Jerry Sandusky who was a renowned coach and philanthropist who ostensibly helped children from troubled backgrounds. His reputation helped him access vulnerable youth that he would sexually abuse- and his good public works provided a cover for his abuse and intimidated victims from speaking out.

–        Creating an eccentric or quirky persona

When we already have an unfavorable view of someone we detect red flags. When we are suspicious or dislike someone, flaws are magnified. But when we are captivated by them or love them, flaws become cute quirks or silly habits. Part of a predator’s grooming of the community is to make his red flags seem like quirks. This is why only in hindsight people will find ‘obvious’ red flags.

Calling himself ‘the touchy-feely type,’ or ‘a kid at heart’ will allow the predator to regularly touch the child, and play games involving touch, all aimed to desensitize the child to touch as well as to persuade other adults such behavior is excusable. Inappropriate touch will be mixed with appropriate touch, with the fact that there is just too much overall touch going unnoticed on account of his ‘quirk.’ Sandusky showered with the youth in his foundation and wrestled with them. Given that he was celebrated coach, all of that was overlooked and excused as just being ‘his style.’

Larry Nassar was a doctor for the USA gymnastics. He even volunteered twenty hours a week while in medical school. He was a legendary doctor and women even felt honored to be able to be seen by him. He had a reputation of caring greatly for young athletes and taking care of their physical and emotional needs. Yet at the same time, he was routinely penetrating girls and women with his fingers under the guise of medical care.

Just read the introduction for him on Gymcastic, a podcast about gymnastics:

Who we would pick if we were going to pick a doctor to take care of our kids while they traveled around the world flipping at speeds that would make an astronaut jealous? It’s USA Gymnastics Team Physician, Larry Nassar, A.T.C.  He’s a professor, a certified athletic trainer, an osteopath and one of the most caring human beings you could ever hope to meet. A blunt, honest, experienced professional who tells it like it is. He can do that because he’s so compassionate.

Sowing distrust between parent and child

Once a predator has earned the parents’ trust and has secured access to the child, he aims to become trusted by the child. If the child does not trust him, he can play on the fear of the child, and intimidate him by appealing to how much the parents trust him.

In the first case, when the child trusts the predator, he can sew distrust of the parents in the child’s mind. He may fabricate conversations about the parents just not really wanting him anymore, or being worried about his ability to socialize, or anything else meant to demoralize the child and show the parents have a low opinion of him. This conveys that he cannot go to them with his problems, and ultimately the abuse will not be believed.

In the case where the child is fearful or hates his abuser, the predator will exaggerate the trust the parents have in him. He may even touch the child while the parents are around but not watching to convey ‘your parents accept what I do to you.’ The predator can rely on the child’s fear of his authority to not tell. Unfortunately, in too many cases, parents will disbelieve their own child- and this is an additional reason predators groom parents. A single mom, for example, can be told that her son needs more hugs and needs to be comfortable showing emotions. So when he complains about touch or inappropriate closeness, she will recall already being notified by his mentor, and recall how he is working on her son’s develpment, and the child’s complaints and discomfort are just the normal complaints of not wanting to do something new. She does not understand it as abuse. In these situations, the predator is trusted more by the parent than the child, and he is trusted to convey what the child really thinks and believed to have insights into the child the parent does not. He uses the parents’ trust to isolate the child. This isolation intensifies the child’s vulnerability to further abuse and makes it even harder to break free from the predator’s grip.

Involving the parents

Getting the parent to sign off with him in his operation is the biggest victory for a predator. If the guardian of a child is in the operation of abusing the child, he has secured the most precious accomplice. A predator can be so skilled in predation that he finds a mother who is willing to commit the ultimate betrayal. She will knowingly give him access to molest her own child. This is an ideal catch for a predator. There are my cases of women letting their boyfriends molest their kids, who are happy as long as their needs are being met. Some fathers even molest their own children. Some parents will let a drug dealer have sex with their child as a way to pay off a debt.

What this all means for us

Child sexual predators exist in public and private schools, hospitals, youth sports, the synagogue, the church, the masjid, martial arts, and any other institution of trust. Predators may choose these institutions for access to children to molest, or be in these institutions and use their opportunity. These institutions provide a cover of trust. They can be highly successful in these institutions, win ‘teacher of the year,’ be seen as pious and put forward as role models, or be celebrated in the community for their philanthropy.

We should not think that Muslims do not sexually abuse children, or that they are safer than non-Muslims in this regard. A Muslim child sexual predator will not be qualitatively different than any other kind. Some particulars will vary. Grooming parents or the community for trust will include what earns a Muslim parent’s or community’s trust, as mentioned before by having authentic ijazas or being connected to awliya. Too many Muslims are prepped to think it’s always the young or unconnected teachers who have problems. Whether one has ijazas or not, has known teachers or not, is a celebrity or a pleb, will make no difference in regards to his propensity to commit child sexual abuse.

Manipulating parents may include telling parents that there is a jinn inside the child, and the religious figure needs to touch him and be alone with him to get the jinn out. Ruqya to remove the ‘haz of shaytan’ can also be used as an excuse to touch the child inappropriately.

Discussing inappropriate matters under the guise of religion is also a grooming method. Talking about istinja or fiqh of ghusl in inappropriate ways is a way of lowering boundaries and normalizing discussions of private parts. If these matters are spoken about in silly ways, or brought up excessively, we must judge them as inappropriate. We don’t have to wait until we hear about abuse to determine whether or not it is in fact grooming. Parental permission should be required before bringing up these topics with children. There is a difference between there being no modesty in religious matters themselves, and the absence of modesty in the way one discusses those matters.

As with other groomers, a likeable teacher speaking inappropriately may be dismissed as a quirk, or a necessary way of speaking about sensitive matters to be effective with the youth. General standards or expectations of appropriate conduct will be dropped for the one we like and find charming. Parents are sometimes so desperate for religious figures connecting with their children that they overlook clearly inappropriate behavior.

It is important to understand that Islamic beliefs do not make us any more vulnerable. Larry Nassar used medical treatment as a cover to molest young girls and women, a Muslim predator will use ruqya. A coach will tell parents he needs extra time with a little league player because he is gifted and destined to be a professional star. A Sufi predator will say he needs extra time with a child for sulook because he sees the child destined for wilaya.

Specific excuses given may vary from religion to religion or no religion, but the overall tactics are the same.

Attraction towards children

الحكم على الشيء فرع عن تصوره

There is no solution if we don’t properly understand the problem.

Sexual attraction towards children needs to be understood as something with which people are afflicted. Only when this problem is recognized as something very much present in society, and as an attraction that in many instances leads to sexual acts, can we take prevention seriously.

There is no Quranic ayah or hadith that prohibits being alone with, looking at, or touching prepubescent males. Nevertheless, we have many statements and rulings from scholars prohibiting these actions. The reason is: they became aware of the attraction that a non-negligible amount of men had towards الأمرد الحسن ,the handsome beardless boy, and it was present enough to be considered مظنة الفتنة, a scenario that is likely to be one of sexual temptation.

Imam al-Nawawi mentions this in regards to the handsome beardless boy¹https://shamela.ws/book/497/180:

 مجرد النظر إِلى الأمرد الحسن حرامٌ، سواء كان بشهوة أم بغيرها، إِلا إذا كانت لحاجة  شرعية: كحاجة البيع، والشراء، أو التطبب، أو التعليم ونحوها، فيباح حينئذ قدرُ الحاجة، وتحرم الزيادة، قال تعالى: {قُلْ لِلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَغُضُّوا مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِمْ وَيَحْفَظُوا فُرُوجَهُمْ ذَلِكَ أَزْكَى لَهُمْ إِنَّ اللَّهَ خَبِيرٌ بِمَا يَصْنَعُونَ}  وقد نص الشافعي رحمه الله تعالى وغيرُه من العلماء رحمهم الله تعالى على تحريم النظر إِليه من غير حاجة شرعية واحتجوا بالآية الكريمة، ولأنه  في معنى المرأة؛ بل بعضهم أحسنُ من كثير من النساء، ولأنه يمكن في حقه من الشر ما لا يمكن في حق المرأة، ويتسهل من طرق الريبة والشر في حقه، ما لا يتسهل  في حق المرأة، فهو بالتحريم أولى، وأقاويل السلف في التنفير منهم، والتحذير من رؤيتهم أكثرُ من أن تحصر، وسموهم الأنتانَ؛ لأنهم مستقذَرون شرعًا، وسواء في كل ما ذكرناه، نظر المنسوب إِلى الصلاح وغيره

The gist of what he mentions is:

The mere act of looking at al-amrad al-hasan is prohibited, whether with desire or without it, except in cases of need accepted by sharia, such as buying and selling, medical treatment, education, and other similar cases. In such instances, only the amount necessary for the need is permitted, and any excess is forbidden. Allah says: {Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do}. Imam al-Shafi’i and other scholars have explicated the prohibition of looking at him without a valid need, using the previously mentioned Quranic verse as evidence and that he is akin to a woman, and some are even more alluring than women, and there is more potential for vice than what can arise from a woman. The avenues that people take advantage of to use young boys to satisfy their desires are not as closely guarded as the avenues that they take advantage of to use women to satisfy their desires. The statements of the salaf warning against them and advising against looking are plentiful, and they even referred to such individuals as “putrid” because they are repulsive by sharia. This applies whether the individual is perceived as righteous or not.

Ibn Taymiya states² https://www.islamweb.net/ar/fatwa/26446:

 والنظر إلى وجه الأمرد بشهوة كالنظر إلى ذوات المحارم والمرأة الأجنبية بشهوة، سواء كانت الشهوة شهوة الوطء، أو شهوة التلذذ بالنظر، فلو نظر إلى أمه وأخته وابنته يتلذذ بالنظر كما يتلذذ بالنظر إلى وجه المرأة الأجنبية كان معلوما لكل أحد أن هذا حرام، فكذلك النظر إلى وجه الأمرد باتفاق الأئمة.

 Looking at the face of al-amrad  (a young boy) with desire is similar to looking at the faces of one’s mahram women or non-mahram women with desire. Whether the desire is the desire of sexual intimacy or the desire from the pleasure derived from looking. If someone looks at his mother, sister, or daughter and takes pleasure in the gaze as one takes pleasure in looking at the face of a non-mahram woman, it is well known to everyone that this is forbidden. Similarly, looking at the face of a young boy [with desire] is unanimously prohibited by the imams.

There is a plethora of statements regarding the fitna of al-amrad al-hasan. Whether this is a prohibition to prevent harm or an intrinsic prohibition is debated, but the amount of statements and narrations establish that the fuquha recognized and addressed the problem. Fuquha operate from broader principles where they recognize how these principles apply to their context. They deal with social realities. They guide to preventative measures. If they are in a context where people are attracted to beardless boys, that will be reflected in their rulings. Law becomes acceptable when it is grounded in the primary texts and deals with the issues that confront people. The amrad was such an issue. Jurists are realistic about identifying social malaise and being forthright about their rulings.

As such, we shouldn’t just understand these statements as guidance for the one struggling with the attraction. By being clear about the attraction and the reality of people acting on it, the prohibition makes it taboo, and serves as a preventative, which is good for all of society.

Finally, on this point, we must not be naïve and think the fitna of being attracted to young boys existed in the past, or other societies, and our society is free of it. A basic glance at pedophilia statistics, child pornography, and child trafficking will show you how present this vice is in the modern western world. Given this fitna is very much a reality in our time, we too should take from the wisdom of early ulema and be cautious in interactions between young boys and men. Just as they acknowledged the problem in order to address it, we too need to acknowledge it rather than sweep it under the rug, and then deal with it.

Preventing child sexual abuse

Given the high rates of child sexual abuse, and how child sexual predators seek positions of institutional trust, it is imperative that we establish firm preventatives and protocols against child sexual abuse. A child sexual predator either abuses in opportunities he is given, or by creating opportunities. Working in institutions of trust like the masjid or an Islamic organization give him that opportunity. Some will position themselves to work in these intuitions and gain trust of parents to access children, others will find jobs where they can work with children.

There are two levels at which we must work to prevent predators from carrying out their predation. At home first and then in institutions.

The parents’ responsibility

The Prophet ﷺ said “All of you are shepherds and each of you is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of the people of his house and he is responsible. A woman is the shepherd of the house of her husband and she is responsible. Each of you is a shepherd and each is responsible for his flock.³ https://sunnah.com/adab:212“

Part of the responsibilities entailed by the parents’ wilaya is to protect their children from harm. The home is the most important level for prevention. It is imperative we teach our children about appropriate and inappropriate touch and words. For example, they must know which areas cannot be touched under any circumstance, which individuals in specific can take them to the bathroom, and other similar guidelines. This is the job of the parents. The parents must know the society in which they live does not allow for them to just trust no one will commit heinous acts.

Having open communication with children will let them know they can trust you and report inappropriate behavior to you. This will prevent them from believing a predator who says ‘your parents will be angry with you’ and other such tactics.

Single mothers must be wary of any shaykh breaking their confidence in raising sons. He may say that you cannot raise a son  to persuade you of his importance in your son’s life. Fathers must take their roles of protectors of their families seriously and not dismiss any concerns raised by their children or feelings of discomfort of being around any individual. Parents must teach their children to be assertive. Predators will target kids they think that they can  get away with abusing. If a child is trained to say ‘no’ and stand his ground, he is less likely to be targeted.

Children  must also be taught that if anyone tells them  not to tell something to their parents, or that their parents won’t believe them, they should respond saying that’s not true and they  know their  parents will believe them. Stories such as Little Red Riding Hood are an appropriate way of teaching children about deception and manipulation without scaring them.

Parents must also fight the reflex to say ‘he is your teacher, listen to him!’ when the child shows signs of discomfort around his teacher. Knowing that sowing mistrust between parent and child is a tactic for isolating the child, parents must be vigilant in not shutting the child down when he raises an issue or shows signs of discomfort.

Finally, it is absolutely important for a parent not to let a child study alone with a male teacher in particular. Supervision is necessary at all times if it is a one on one class. Parents should never leave the child alone. Not only does this prevent any opportunity for harm, it also sends a strong signal that the parent is present and protective. This should also be the case in online classes, where conversations can quickly turn inappropriate.

In the contexts of schools or group lessons, children should be told not to be alone with teachers, and also parents should check with the schools whether or not they have protocols in place already.

At the institutional level

Institutes must have policies and protocols in place that prevent child sexual abuse. There must be rules accompanied by training where teachers and all staff members are fully aware they cannot be alone with a child. There must be rules governing email exchanges, social media relationships, and touch. Cameras must also be in place.

This will allow institutions to hold adults accountable for inappropriate behavior. For example, if a teacher is alone with a student, or makes inappropriate jokes, they should be fired for violating policy. Their actions should not be ignored because it’s less than child sexual abuse. The fact that these are pathways to abuse, and already against the institute’s policy would be sufficient to fire him, and it ensures the wellbeing of children. It is possible the inappropriate joke is not grooming, but we cannot take that risk when it comes to children.

Institutions will always be limited in prevention and this is why parental responsibility is the most important. Policies will always be limited, and best practices have their limitations. There are too many possible scenarios to account for that may not affect policies. Background checks will not be useful for someone who has not been caught before. Cameras will not ensure abuse will be reported and the film reviewed. Staff cannot be expected to care for your child as you do. Parental responsibility cannot be outsourced. Institutes also need to see that you are the kind of parent who will create a problem for them if they do not fire staff members who cross lines with children. Don’t be surprised if an institute who fires a young teacher for inappropriate behavior will overlook, excuse, and cover up for a senior shaykh- a pillar of the community- when he is caught doing the unthinkable to a child. Don’t let any institute or religious leader pressure you to sweep it under the rug, not press charges, and give the perpetrator a second chance.  Be a strong parent and raise strong children so the institutes who are not motivated to protect children on principle will do so based on fear.

Conclusion

Child predators either exploit opportunities they have to molest children or seek out positions of trust where they will have access to children. They will generally choose children they think they can get away with molesting. The predator will exploit his position of trust. He will groom parents, the child, and the community to seem trustworthy and access children.

We cannot be naive about child sexual predators.  Parents have a responsibility to take preventative measures, such as teaching their kids to tell them if any adult asks the kids to keep a secret from them, teach their children about inappropriate touch, and to be strong. Parents also must ensure that institutions have policies, procedures, and physical structures that reduce any inappropriate interactions between children and adults. Institutions must make the safety of children a top priority and take adult and child interaction very seriously. Expectations of interactions between adults and children must be made clear, and offenses such as inappropriate comments to children, being alone with them must have a zero tolerance policy.

No one will care for your child the way you will. Institutes will take child protection more seriously when parents themselves are actively voicing concern about child safety.

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